The Hair Incident
by WanderingChild500
Summary: Modern AU. Thorin is taking care of his nephews while Dis is on vacation with friends. After all how much trouble can two kids really be?
1. Chapter 1

**This story kind of just came to me one day. I've never written anything for the Hobbit and I wanted to, especially something happy with the Battle of the Five Armies coming out soon. So here is a funny modern AU because of course it would be Kili who would get into something like ****this. The Hobbit does not belong to me.**

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The Hair Incident:

Tauriel sat on a couch in her boyfriend's mother's home. In her lap was an old photo album from Kili's childhood. She smiled at the sight of him and his older brother Fili as children, right now the two of them were at Fili's house trying to paint a nursery because Fili and his wife Sigrid were expecting there first child. From the last text she had received from Sigrid there wasn't so much painting going on as there was paint throwing. Tauriel rolled her eyes and typed a quick reply and placed her phone on the coffee table. She turned the page of the album and frowned.

"Dis?" She called, Kili's mother walked into the living room holding two cups of tea. One of which she handed to Tauriel.

"What happened here?" Tauriel asked pointing to a picture of Kili when he couldn't have been more than five or six. He had that same goofy smile that made Tauriel fall for him in the first place. But instead of a head of dark curls he was sporting a rather bad Mohawk.

"There is quite the story behind that."

"I'd really like to hear it." Tauriel said still looking at the photo.

"Well it all started when I went on a week long trip with a couple of friends and left the boys with their uncle."

Twenty Years Earlier-

Dis moved around her room, grabbing cloths from the closet and placing them in her suitcase. Her older brother Thorin leaned against the doorframe watching his sister pack.

"Now Kili doesn't like any vegetables except for asparagus and he'll only eat it if you grill it. And if you let him, Fili will stay up the whole night reading so you may have to check for hidden books. There's usually one tucked into his pillow case." Thorin nodded, his sister had already told him these thing at least five times in the past two hours. Dis paused looking down at her suitcase then back at her brother. "Maybe I should just stay here." Thorin sighed and stepped into the room.

"No, Dis you need this. When is the last time you took a vacation without the boys." Dis didn't answer. "Exactly," Thorin closed Dis's suitcase and zipped it shut. "You are going to go and spend a week doing whatever women do at spas. The boys will be fine, I promise."

"I know. It's just you know what those two can get into."

"I know. I think I can handle them for a couple of days. They're five and ten, honestly how much trouble could they possibly be?" Thorin picked up Dis's suitcase and carried it down stairs. Fili and Kili sat in the living room watching TV. Dis smiled at the two of them, they were her whole world. God she would miss them.

"Boys I'm leaving." Kili and Fili jumped up and ran over to their mother. She knelt down in front of the two of them. "Now promise me that you will be good for your uncle and do as he says." The boys nodded and hugged their mother.

"Have fun mom." Fili said. Dis smiled at her oldest child, "I will. Remember no reading till two in the morning. And Kili," She turned to her youngest and most troublesome child. "No antics, do what Thorin tells you, understand?" The little boy nodded enthusiastically. "Well then, I'm off." Dis stood up and took her suitcase from Thorin. "Remember, call me if anything happens." Thorin opened the front door.

"You've told me that at least ten times already. I'll remember." With that Dis walked out to her friend's waiting car. Once Dis was gone Thorin turned back to the boys who had returned to watching TV. It was only a week, he thought. What could possibly go wrong?

The first couple of days passed with nothing going wrong. Dis would call at least twice days to make sure things were going well. And they were going well, except for the time Kili decided to wake his uncle up at six in the morning wearing a monster mask. Thorin really did not need that first thing in the morning. Two days before Dis was due back, Thorin was sitting in the living room with his friend Dwalin watching a rugby match when Fili ran into the room.

"Uncle Thorin I'm late for football practice!" Thorin swore under his breath and checked his watch. The kid was right.

"Fili grab your stuff. Dwalin could you watch Kili for a little while?"

"Do I look like a babysitter?" The Scotsman asked.

"Drinks are on me for the rest of the month."

"Deal." After Thorin and Fili left, Dwalin went back to watching the rugby match. Several minutes later he heard the patter of little feet. He turned and saw Kili going into the kitchen.

"What are you up to kid?" Dwalin asked suspiciously.

"Nothing." Kili replied quickly exiting the kitchen hiding something behind his back. Dwalin looked at the little boy suspiciously. Dwalin had been told many stories about the young child's antics and habit of getting into things he wasn't supposed to.

"You sure?" Kili nodded vigorously. Dwalin shrugged and turned back to the TV. Once Dwalin's back was turned Kili took off running back to his room.

Three hours later Thorin finally returned to the house leading a very dazed Fili into the living room.

"What happened?" Dwalin asked staring at the large piece of medical gauze taped to the side of the boy's head.

"He ran into one of the goal posts. Had to take him to the hospital to get stiches." Thorin sounded exhausted.

"Does Dis know?"

"Yes, called her from the hospital. Luckily I was able to convince her that everything was ok, this isn't the first football injury he's gotten. Isn't that right Fili?" Fili nodded weakly from where he was curled up on the couch. "They gave him some extra antithetic after he tried to punch the doctor. Apparently he's got a thing against needles. How was Kili?"

"Fine, he was up in his room the whole time." Thorin frowned.

"You haven't heard anything, he hasn't come down at all?"

"Well he did grab something from the kitchen earlier." Thorin nodded.

"I should probably check on him." Thorin and Dwalin quickly went upstairs to Kili's room. Kili was sitting in the middle of the room. In front of him lay a toy truck with one of the axles lying next to it and next to that lay an empty bottle of Gorilla Glue. Kili was trying to get a Lego unstuck from his right hand while his left hand was stuck in his hair. Along with several more Lego's and a sock. The little boy looked up as his uncle entered the room.

"Hi!" He said with his usual cheeky smile. Thorin took in the sight in front of him and sighed.

"Kili what happened?" He asked as calmly as possible.

"My truck broke, so I got the glue to fix it. But it spilled."

"I can see that. Can you move your hand?" Kili shook his head.

"It's stuck."

"I can see that."

"Well this is quite the sticky situation." Dwalin said from the doorway. Thorin turned and glared at him. "What? Someone had to say it." Thorin sighed and turned back to his nephew.

"We need to wash the glue off."

"That may be a problem considering that it's water resistant." Dwalin said picking up the glue bottle from the floor.

"Great. Just great." Thorin looked over at Kili, who was still trying to get the Lego off of his hand. "Kili can you get up?"

"No. My pants are stuck." Thorin felt a headache coming on.

Five minutes later they were able to get Kili out of his pants and into a bath. Dwalin had been right, the glue wasn't coming off. After they got the five year old out of the bath they took him down to the kitchen and sat him on the counter.

"Now what?" Dwalin asked. Thorin thought for a moment then walked over to the pantry.

"When Dis was little, she would always get gum stuck in her hair. Our Dad always used peanut butter to get it out." He pulled out a jar of peanut butter and tossed it to Dwalin, maybe that will work for glue. It didn't, if anything it made an even bigger mess out of the young boy's hair.

"That's it, we're going to have to cut it."

"Oh that will be fun."

And that's how they found themselves sitting in a barbershop an hour later.

"Ok little guy, pick whichever hair cut you want." The barber said pointing to a wall covered in pictures of different hairstyles. Kili grinned and pointed to the one he wanted. Thorin groaned and covered his face with his hands.

"Mom's going to kill you." Fili said, watching as the barber took out the electric razor.

"I know."

When Dis arrived home late Saturday night, she was utterly relaxed. She had a restful week with friends away from the craziness of everyday life. And except for Fili's incident with a goalpost nothing had gone wrong and to be honest, Fili suffered from football injuries in some way shape or form at least once a month. She really needed to consider finding him another sport to take part in. She quietly walked into the living room and found her older brother asleep on the couch. She smiled and decided to let him sleep. Dis quietly made her way upstairs to check on the boys. There was a light shining through the bottom of the door, Dis sighed and slowly opened the door.

"Fili." The boy quickly closed the book he was reading. "Mom! You're back."

"Yep. And it is way past your bedtime young man."

"But it's so good!" Dis walked into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"What's this weeks novel?" Fili sheepishly handed the book to his mother.

"Frankenstein. I didn't read this till University." Dis placed the book on Fili's beside table. "How's your head."

"It's fine." Fili said. "I don't have a concussion this time."

"Good. Tomorrow you and I are going to have a nice chat about sports." She kissed the top of her older son's head and turned off the light. "Goodnight sweetie." Dis left Fili's room and walked across the hall to Kili's. Unlike his brother Kili was fast asleep, Dis quietly walked into his room. As soon as she saw Kili's new hair do she took a deep breath and exited her youngest son's room and quickly went back down stairs and into the living room.

"Thorin Durin what the hell happened to my son's hair!" She yelled causing Thorin to jump off the couch.

"I can explain!"

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**So hope you all enjoyed that. There may be another chapter, there may not. It all depends on you lovely readers. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**So here's chapter 2. The Hobbit and it's characters do not belong to me.**

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Present Day:

Tauriel was snorted with laughter as Dis described the sight of her older brother cowering in fear.

"I'm sorry, but I cannot picture Thorin cowering before anyone."

"Oh, it's a gift. Both my brothers learned from young ages I am not one you want to cross." Dis said taking a sip from her mug. Tauriel's phone chose that moment to ring. It was Sigrid.

"Hey Sig, what's up."

"_You know how you told me things couldn't get any worse than them just getting paint everywhere."_

"Yes."

_"Things got worse."_

"What happened?"

"_You'll find out soon enough_." With that Sigrid hung up. Tauriel frowned down at her phone.

"Let me guess. The boys did something they were not supposed to."

"Yep."

"Do you know what?"

"Nope." Dis sighed and leaned back in her hair.

"Then we shall sit back and see how this unfolds." A few short minutes later the front door slammed open and in stumbled three paint-covered men.

"Did we loose them?" Panted Sigrid's younger brother Bain.

"Ya, but not for long." Kili said leaning against the doorframe.

"We could hop the fence in the back yard then cut through the woods. There's a bus stop on the other side, we could be on a bus to London before they catch us." Fili said.

"What did you do?" Tauriel asked incredulously.

"No time to explain. They're coming!" With that the three of them took off through the house to the back door. Tauriel looked over at Dis.

"Should we go after them?"

"No I think in this case, it would be best not to get involved." Dis said picking up a magazine and lazily thumbing through it. Once again the front door slammed open and in ran Thorin and Bard, Sigrid's father. Both of them were covered from head to toe in light green paint.

"Where are they?" Thorin asked through clenched teeth.

"Back yard, they're trying to hop the fence." Dis said without looking up from her magazine. Both men ran towards the backyard. "I swear, they are all going to turn me grey before I hit fifty five." Dis said before Thorin and Bard re-entered dragging Bain and Fili with them.

"Tauriel, when you see my snake brother, please tell him next time I see him, I'm going to kill him!" Fili yelled as Thorin dragged him out the front door.

Several hours later Tauriel returned to her flat in London that she shared with Kili. She was greeted by their one eyed tabby cat Smaug, named after Thorin's self-proclaimed "archenemy" due to the cat's unhealthy hatred towards Kili's uncle.

"Anyone home?" Tauriel called.

"In the bathroom." Came a reply Tauriel dropped her keys and purse on the coffee table in the living room and walked down the hall to the bathroom. The door was open, Kili was standing in front of the bathroom mirror clad only in a pair of sweat pants. He looked like he had just gotten out of the shower. His hair was wet and he was now relatively paint free, except for some places in his hair. Kili frowned at his reflection and ran his hand through his hair.

"This is the third time I've showered and I've still got paint in my hair." Tauriel smirked.

"If it doesn't come out, we may have to cut it." Kili straiten up and turned towards his girlfriend.

"She didn't…" Tauriel smiled and removed the picture of Kili with the Mohawk from the back pocket of her jeans.

"Oh she did." Kili lunged forward and tried to grab the photo but Tauriel was quick and dodged Kili with ease, laughing. Tauriel ran down the hall laughing, Kili right at her heels. When he caught up with her he wrapped his arms around her waist and the pair fell onto the living room sofa, where Kili was finally able to pry the picture away from Tauriel. "You know you look adorable right."

"I was five." Kili replied.

"What I really want to know is how you got it in your hair in the first place." Kili sighed and sat back on the couch.

"You know, I'm not even sure how I was able to get that damned glue everywhere but my toy."

"I also want to know what happened today with the paint." Tauriel said snuggling up next to Kili.

"Ya, uh how about we don't go into that."

"Fine. By the way, Fili says the next time he sees you, you're a dead man." Kili shrugged.

"It was every man for himself. Not my fault Fili and Bain couldn't get over the fence in time."

"Ok, one last question. Why the hell did you choose a Mohawk?" Kili blushed as ran a hand through his hair.

"I may have seen a picture of Dwalin with one when he and Thorin were teenagers."

"You are kidding me. Dwalin with a Mohawk."

"Yep. Apparently, he and Thorin went through a pretty big punk phase." Tauriel laughed.

"Your family is absolutely crazy." Kili wrapped an arm around Tauriel's shoulders.

"I know."

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**And so that ends the Hair Incident. Hope you all enjoyed this. I'm thinking about writing a short fic about the boys and what happened with Thorin and Bard, let me know if you want me to.**


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